Exerpt from: Still Me; Respectfully,Shamefully, Deadly

    I was sitting at the dining room table awaiting my  husband.  I’d missed him so much this day. Sure. He worked almost 7/7. He usually phoned by 4pm to say he’d be home soon or he’d be a bit late. I sat there, playing a game on my Android.

Wondering why he hadn’t called as usual. I looked out the window to a yard so beautifully like a Winter wonderland. Time sure flew these days. I felt as if I’d gone to bed mid summer and awoke to a winter wonderland.  

I heard our car pull into the drive, the garage door being  opened for the car to be parked inside warm and cosy. I couldn’t believe my heart being a flutter, butterflies in my belly, and my smile in anticipation of seeing my husband.  I put the kettle on as I did everyday. And waited. I again sat at the dining room table wondering what was taking him so long to come inside the house today.  

Finally I heard the door open.  Oh oh. Drew didn’t look happy at all. My heart went from flutters to hard beats, the butterflies in my belly turned to knots.  I looked in his eyes and said, ” Hello Sweetheart.  I sure missed you today.  Problems at work today? ”

He plunged onto his favorite chair at the dinning table.  When he looked at me, I was shocked.  Jim’s expression looked so angry, hurt and confused. Yet it was as if he was looking straight through me at our mutual favorite Wedding photo behind me. As though I were glass!  He asked, ” Why? Why Alyssia?  Why?  Why did you leave me?  Leave us?  How  could you?  Why?  Why didn’t you tell me you needed me? GOD DAMN IT!  WHY? WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU  TELL ME!!! ” Hitting the Dinning room table so hard I thought he’d break it.  

I was shocked!  I didn’t leave him!   I looked at him with much confusion and hurt. I asked him, ”  When?  When did I leave you Jim?  Why would you think that? ”  I hadn’t realized he’d stood up until he sank heavily back into his chair.  Head down.  At my question he looked at me as though I were not even there. I was about to ask him what the hell he was thinking!  Until I saw tears streaming down his cheeks. Tears!  Wtf?  Jim never cried.  I was speechless.  

Suddenly he got up from his chair grabbed the broom and began sweeping the floors vigorously .  He kept repeating, ” Floor is so dirty. ”  Over  and over again.  Tears still streaming down his cheeks. He swept so hard and vigorously he’d very quickly worked up a sweat.  I stared open mouthed. I asked him what was so wrong.  Instead of answering me, he took off his shirt and swept in circles harder and harder.  

I thought, ” Oh fuck! Did he snap? ”  Why?  How?  I figured the best thing to do was be as supportive to my husband of 11 years, as he’d been for me over time, losing my parents and just about everyone I knew before and after.  I arose from my chair at the dining room table, walked up to him, not exactly sure what to expect.  I didn’t know THIS Jim.  I wrapped my arms around him from behind, asking, ”  Baby. Why you sweeping so hard? It’s so clean you’re going to sweep a hole right through the floor and you know we can’t afford another new floor….”  

Suddenly he stopped. He shivered as though something cold slithered over him, and put his shirt back on.  His eyes looked somewhat wild.  He  said, ” Shit!  Must be from the windows.  I haven’t  done the Damn weather stripping over the windows. ”  I couldn’t feel any cold.  I was about to tell Jim that when I noticed each breath he blew out as he’d spoken were like tiny puffs of fog as though he were outside in the Northern region where it reach up to -45 to -64°C!  How very odd….  

He…. He just walked out of my embrace and plopped on to his chair  again.  I felt tears sting my eyes but I would not cry. I wouldn’t.  So I sat back in my chair, asking, ” Baby? What’s really wrong here? ”  

Jim just stared through me, his ryes still filled with tears as he again and his voice crasked, ” Why oh why did you leave me?  Leave us Alysia? Why?  Why when this was the best times of our lives? For both of us. How could you just fucking leave like that? Didn’t I love you enough?  Didn’t WE love you enough?  Did you know when you sent me to visit my Mom?  Did you plan it that way? DID YOU??? Why? ”

I was about to answer with a few questions of my own like, ” What kind of fucking game are you playing Him?  And why do you keep saying we and us?  There is only us… ”  Until he put his head on the dining room table, his shoulders quaking as he sobbed so brokenly…  I was about to reach out to him when he quickly arose, put on his most extreme heavy metal CD, and began sweeping again like a madman.  Sweeping furiously into a hot sweaty frenzy, the whole while muttering things.  

I could only catch a few words as the music was so loud.  I HAD to be hearing those few caught words wrong! Surely!  They had no bloody logic! What the fuck?  He didn’t say I asked him to take the twins to visit his Mom now after denying the bitch their 1st year?  Did he? What twins?  I was feeling ever so confused. Picking up some kind of memodied 


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